If you follow along with my work, you know that I don’t like to post a lot of deeply personal things, mostly because I try to keep my business separate from my everyday life. I will apologize now for the length of the post, but this is our story, in it’s entirety (minus some of the details), out in the open. Yikes. I struggled for about a year deciding whether or not to post this, but I feel like a lot of couples/women go through things like this and feel very alone with it. I don’t want to be that, and I don’t want others to think that. You are not alone. WE are not alone. Here goes nothing…
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From about the age of 15-25 (give or take a few years), many women spend an inordinate amount of time hoping they don’t get pregnant and, hopefully, taking measures to make sure that doesn’t happen. Then you get married and all you can think about is babies. Sex becomes something that is planned to the day rather than a spur of the moment feeling. Your friends that have already begun the process or already have kids are doling out advice on what apps to use and the best method to getting pregnant. You now keep a thermometer by your bedside, pee on sticks regularly, and know more about the inner-workings of your lady parts than you ever cared to know. Life is great. What could be better than the thought of having a baby with the person you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with?
A few months go by, and you’re still not pregnant. People around you seem to be getting that beautiful pink line every 5 minutes. If you’re anything like me, you start to worry a little bit. You start thinking, “What if I can’t get pregnant?” But then you (and everyone else you know) remind yourself that at this point that’s a ridiculous thought and push it to the back of your mind. But still…what if?
We got married in September 2014 after about 7 years of dating, so we didn’t really want to wait too long to begin trying to have kids. We just at least wanted to wait until after our African honeymoon in January 2015. About 3 months before our wedding, I went to pick up my birth control and found out that it was all of a sudden a whopping $100 a pack, thanks to the insurance companies now qualifying it at a tier something-higher-than-it-needs-to-be. I didn’t want to switch birth control pills a couple months before the wedding because I didn’t know what lovely side effects I might get, so I sucked it up until just after the wedding and then went off it. It didn’t make sense at the time to go on a new pill, so I figured I could just keep track of my cycles to make sure that we weren’t having sex when I was ovulating until we wanted to start trying. Those first few months off birth control, I had normal periods. Then all of a sudden, I wasn’t getting a period at all. I went straight to the doctor to find out what was going on.
My gynecologist did some blood tests and ultrasounds and determined that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). She started me on a dosage of Clomid to help me ovulate like a normal person but I soon found that I was still not ovulating. It was about that time that they referred me to a specialist. Awesome. This was already about mid-2015 so I was feeling pretty discouraged. However, I knew that this was something that happened to a lot of people and just tried to stay positive. The first place we went to was awful. I constantly felt like I knew more than the nurses about my condition and where I was in my treatment and was almost forced to repeat things I had already done (that didn’t work). So we switched clinics. On recommendation from a friend, we found our current doctor who has been wonderful and very proactive. I began taking Letrazole, which basically acts the same way as Clomid, and going in constantly to have my blood tested and my ovaries looked at on an ultrasound. There were times that I had follicles that were ready to release an egg, and times that I did not, but even when it looked like it was going to work I still didn’t ovulate. After about 8 months or so of this process, our doctor recommended that we move on to IVF. And so began the next phase of our journey.
I remember being so upset that it had come to this and wondering how we were going to pay for it, but I was also relieved to have some kind of procedure that was almost sure to work. I was only 29, had plenty of eggs, and nothing visibly wrong with my uterus. The odds were stacked in our favor. It seemed like we could see the end, finally. I started on the drugs required to prep my ovaries for the retrieval while Tyler jacked off in a cup. Very one-sided, no? On the day of the retrieval, we were able to get 14 eggs. Woohoo! That’s awesome. They sat in a petri dish with all the eager spermies and we waited to hear back on the progress of how many fertilized. About a day later, we learned that 13 fertilized. One more step down! Two days after that, they let us know that about 6 of them looked like they were multiplying correctly and we would probably end up with anywhere from 2-6. A little less exciting, but still a win in my book. By day 5, we eneded up with five embryos that were far enough along to be frozen. Phew! It was such a relief to get through that part. We opted to do the preimplantation genetic screening (PGS) of the embryos just to give ourselves a better chance of implanting a genetically normal embryo. About a month later, we found out that all the embryos came back normal and it was time to prep for the implantation. We were only about a month away from finding out if we were pregnant! It felt like we were finally where we needed to be.
This is the point where all the needles come in. I am continually thankful for the fact that I am not afraid of needles. I don’t know how I would get through this process without that. The thought of Tyler giving me a shot is more terrifying than anything. Haha. For the first time in my life, I had a pill case. My calendar was filled with when to take what and appointments for blood work and ultrasounds about every other day. This first round, the lining of my uterus wasn’t growing as quickly as they’d hoped, so they added one more estrogen patch to my regimen in addition to the patch I already had- and changed every 3 days- the estrogen pill, and the progesterone shot each night. No problem. Good thing I’m a multitasker. Because of the delay in the growth of the uterus, the implantation was pushed back another week. Fantastic. Days just seemed to all blur together so what was one more week? Honestly, it felt like a lifetime at this point. I went in for another ultrasound that week and the lining finally got to where it needed to be. Our transfer was scheduled for the beginning of October 2016. The feeling of relief that we both had at this point was unbelievable.
The implantation procedure is extremely quick, but not the most pleasant. In truth, it hurt like a bitch. I remember watching them guide everything through the cervix and into the uterus (in between gut-wrenching cramps of course) and then seeing that ethereal bright light as the embryo entered its home. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I couldn’t help but cry while holding Tyler’s hand- with my legs in stirrups and my doctor all up in my shit. Details. We had done it. Now all we had to do was wait. The longest 2 weeks of my life.
They tell you you’re allowed to take a home pregnancy test 5 days before your blood test, but I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to see another negative. So we waited. I made sure Tyler was home the day of the test and we waited to get the call from the nurse. I wasn’t even worried. I knew that I was pregnant. Tyler was a ball of nerves. We got the call from the nurse and my heart just sunk. We had mixed results- the test was positive, but my HCG levels were so low that it was a slim chance that it was a viable pregnancy. I had never felt more awful. Tyler was trying to stay positive while we waited an extra two days to retest. I was just a mess. Why was this happening? This was supposed to be the end. It was supposed to work. I needed it to work. We were having our first miscarriage and we were devastated.
The coming weeks were pretty tough. We felt pretty discouraged and just sad. We made an appointment to speak with the doctor about what she thought may have gone wrong and what we can do about it. She seemed very optimistic about everything and said that she had a plan moving forward for the next cycle, beginning with the extra estrogen patch from the beginning. She basically explained that even with everything lining up perfectly and all the tests pointing to normal embryo development, there is always a chance that something is wrong with the embryo. She didn’t think there was anything else going on medically, which was good to hear. Just the luck of the draw, I guess. So we prepared for our next transfer that was scheduled for the beginning of December.
Round 2 of the medications and daily injections. If this is what I need to do to become a mother, I’ll do anything. This time around, my uterus was responding well to the regimen I was on, so no waiting an extra week and the lining was already thicker than last time. Phew. We can do this. This time around, the transfer procedure was much less painful, thankfully. The air in the room felt very different though. Last time, it was excitement, happiness and relief. This time, we were cautiously optimistic. It was still a beautiful moment, but it wasn’t the same. Begin 2-week wait number 2 (really like 50, but who’s counting?).
This time around, I was too impatient to wait 2 weeks. I needed to know. I took a home pregnancy test one week after the transfer date. I wasn’t really expecting much since it was so early, but I just couldn’t wait any longer. It was right before Christmas and if it was positive, I wanted to be able to give announcement related gifts to our parents. I was sitting there brushing my teeth getting ready for bed and glanced over to see a very obvious second line on the pregnancy test. My heart stopped. I’d never seen this before and it was the most wonderful thing I’d ever seen. I took a picture of it to show Tyler when he got home. It took everything in me not to just show it to everyone I knew, especially those that had been following along in our journey. I proceeded to take a home test everyday until the blood test that Monday. The following day, the line on the test was even darker, which is a great sign! I was ecstatic. Tyler was still cautiously optimistic. Haha.
During this time, we learned that Tyler’s dad’s health was declining quickly. He had been sick for a very long time, but it seemed like his time was running out. I was trying to spend as much time as I could with him those next few days. On Sunday, I made my way to Tyler’s dad’s house to celebrate Christmas with everyone. Tyler was already there since he had been spending most days and nights with Joe. When I arrived at the house, Tyler was sitting next to his dad’s bed holding his hand. The first thing I saw was that big smile that his dad gave me every time I saw him. “Hey beautiful”, he said. It was how he always greeted me. I leaned over and gave him a kiss and Tyler looked up at me and just said “I told him”. I immediately started crying, which made both Joe and Tyler cry as I held both their hands. Joe was so excited to be a grandpa. He later told Tyler that it was the only thing keeping him alive that day.
The next day, I went in for my blood test and then headed over to see Joe. He wasn’t really talking much anymore, but he still had a way of letting you know how much you meant to him. I got the call from the nurse about an hour later and I stepped into the office to take it. It was confirmed. I was pregnant and my HCG levels were extremely high for it even being 4 days early than the originally scheduled test. It finally sunk in for both of us. We were going to have a baby. This was finally real. Tyler was immediately very protective of me and was touching my stomach often. It made me so happy to see him so excited. It made us so happy to be able to tell his dad that he was going to have a grandchild, even if he wouldn’t be around for it. The following day, Joe passed away at home with all of his family and loved ones around. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to witness- both for myself and for my husband. His dad was his hero and there’s no doubt as to why. He was one of the best people I’ve ever known.
The following day, I went back to the doctor for my second blood test to see if my HCG was doubling as it was supposed to. I got the call while I was at home and was shocked to hear that my levels had gone from 490 to 365. Devastation sets in again, but this time it was so much more. This was the one light that was shining through such a tough time in our lives. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to tell Tyler. The last thing I wanted was to put any more stress on him. My plan was to try to keep it from him until I knew for sure on Friday whether or not the levels were still dropping. But I know him, and I know that he will immediately see it on my face. I mostly panic, and text my best friend for advice. When Tyler got home, the first thing he asked was what the doctor said. I tried to gloss over it by saying that I just had to go back in on Friday but he kept asking why and if something was wrong and I couldn’t hold back the tears. Enter miscarriage number two. This one was much worse than the first. The emotional pain associated with each twinge and cramp was the most excruciating. It was a constant reminder that we were losing our baby. Our hope. Our light. We both spent a lot of time crying and holding each other-both for our baby that never was and for a father that wouldn’t get to be a grandfather.
I don’t know where I would be right now without Tyler. He is the one good thing in all of this. I’ve never felt closer to him and I never could have imagined the role we would play in each other’s lives as we experience sadness as well as happiness. I know that if we can make it through all this, we can make it through anything. And for that, we are lucky.
I don’t know what the future holds for us right now. It’s hard to be optimistic when everything just seems to go wrong time and again. The doctor recommended a low-inflammation diet, on top of the no sugar no simple carb diet that I’d already been on, which doesn’t leave me with much. Aside from that, I’ll be going through more diagnostic testing to see if there may be an answer for what we’re going through. However, we may never get an answer. The thought of the unknown is scary. The idea of not becoming a mother is heart wrenching. Watching all my friends raise their children is both wonderful and saddening. I wish I could be there for them more. I wish I could go through it with them. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, but I’m having a hard time figuring out the reason for this. Any of it. I feel betrayed by my body and I feel inadequate as a woman. I feel like a horrible wife for not being able to give my husband a baby and a terrible daughter-in-law for not being able to give Joe grandchildren before he passed. There are days that I just want to give up but also days that I think it will all be okay. All I can do now is hope that the changes I’ve made will help us to finally become parents and try not to let it consume me. Easier said than done.
January 13, 2017
Katie, I know in my heart you will be a great mom and Tyler a great father. It will happen!! I know this is easy for me to say because I didn’t go through your journey even thought I felt some of your pain while reading it. Stay positive, reduce stress, live your life and keep the faith. It will happen, maybe not on your schedule, but it will happen. I am glad you posted this because it’s unhealthy to hold all that in. It’s good to purge.
Oh wow, this brought back so many memories for me. I struggled with infertility also and experienced all the emotions you talked about. We were able to have my son after two IUI’s, so I know how incredibly lucky we are. I pray that you get your miracle soon. Hugs.
Hang in there!! My husband and I had 3 losses back to back and we finally got our miracle baby on 9/19/15. It was tough and very confusing. Docs told me I was health young and could not give me any reason why when’re I would hit my second trimester I would lose my little ones. I promised my self during my last loss on 9/25/14 that the next time I was entering the maternity east at CMC was to deliver a baby not lose one! And I sure did deliver a beautiful little girl a year later. Don’t you worry God has you in his hands. Stay positive and don’t give up! Love life as if your little one(s) are on the way! I’m rooting for you and can not wait to see pics !! Feel free to contact me if here for you!!
KT, I came across this just now and wanted to reach out. I’m still single so I can’t relate to fertility struggles; only that I desperately want children one day and am keenly aware of my biological clock. A good friend of mine now has a 1-year-old little girl who was the result of her third IVF treatment. We worked together as she was going through her first and second IVF rounds and I remember how difficult it was for her. I am so hopeful that you and Tyler will become parents sooner than later! It must have taken courage to post this and I think you’re very brave to share something so personal and difficult. Love ALWAYS, Aves
Avery!!! Thank yo so much. It’s so good to hear from you! I really appreciate you taking the time to read it <3